Gentlemen of Gunn High School! I am here to give the rallying cry for those of us who call ourselves true men. We have a crisis on our hands­—a clothing pandemic so sinister, it threatens to change our common identity as upstanding males. The threat is clear to the collective dignity we hold dear! I speak of sagging pants.

We are honorable men. We carry ourselves with confidence and certainty throughout the day. We exude humility. We exercise restraint. We put the “under” in underwear. But alas, an insurrection is brewing, and it seeks to undermine our sacred code of honor! While we men start off every new day by proudly pulling our pants all the way up, there exist less fortunate males whose emotional circumstances only permit them to pull up their pants 75 percent of the way.

To confront the issue, we must first understand who the common perpetrator is. On the surface, he exhibits trademark masculine traits like the rest of us. He sometimes plays video games and chess. Badminton and football. You can often smell him from as far as gratuitous amounts of Axe can travel. He is ubiquitous. He sits next to you in geometry, AP Bio, Contemporary World, or even economics. He’s often a senior, sometimes a junior, or even an underclassman. He could be short or tall, big or small. He can be profiled neither by race nor religion, sexual orientation nor political affiliation. For all of these reasons, he appears to blend in on every level. He attempts, and pretends, to be one of us–and we ignore the not-so-subtle warning sign at our very own peril.

The signs? Hanes and Joe Boxer. Calvin Klein and Fruit of the Loom. Stripes and polka-dots. Every color of the spectrum. One day in Chemistry lab, sailboats were spotted. Sailboats! Vertically-challenged trousers are symptomatic of a guy not to be messed with. Filled with good intentions, he is nonetheless conflicted. Though raised in a good family, he has lost his way. He is on the threshold of manhood, but not quite a man like the rest of us. He pretends not to own a belt. He is volatile. Uncertain. Insecure. Sometimes angry. “To show my underwear, or not to?” That is the question over which he agonizes each and every day. He is prince of pain, duke of darkness, nadir of naughtiness and sultan of staying up past his bedtime. Fear his wrath! Fear his boxers, too.

This misguided youth is your teammate. Your classmate. Your very best friend. He could be your own brother. You might think his skin is thick, his ego invincible, but tread carefully. He is fragile. He needs delicate intervention. Don’t overplay your hand. Don’t bear-hug him while yelling “I love you, man!” Avoid spontaneous theatrics that will only blow your cover and encourage him to sag more! Talk to him man-to-man. Keep your sentences short. Approach the issue indirectly, lest he construe your efforts as a provocation. Go slow. Pat him on the back. Affirm and accept him for who he is, especially on days he has chosen not to sag. Positive reinforcement is key. Once you have earned his trust, casually offer him your extra belt on days he does sag. Once he’s been won over, and made a man of true ilk, enlist him to our common cause and move on to the next troubled student!

One by one, little by little, our anti-sagging cause will come to fruition.

—O’Connell is a chemistry teacher.